The Last Word

 image source: http://scrapetv.com

If I die

If I must

And there is no option

Heed my suggestion

Let it be thus.

Let me not die of frost or cold

Or go to Hades withered and old.

Who would care?

No disease please

Or famine or poverty

Who bothers about these anymore?

Let it not be

Injuries at work

No please, not for me.

If I must, let it be

An arrow to my heel

Or poison in my drink or meal

Served in a treacherous fashion

Quite the thing now are crimes of passion.

At least at the end of my game

Let me walk the walk of fame.

Stabbed by someone famous

Headline in the papers

Execution sounds interesting too

A bullet in the chest or two

Let it not be starvation

Or excessive depression

That just does not sound right on the obituary page.

If I must die

Drug overdose to go

People will at least know

Someone was there a while ago

An accident, a martyrdom, be what it may

Let it not be in an obscure way.

If I must go

Let everyone know

How would it matter if they weep or not?

I do not care to see whether they care

But at least they will know

I was there.

The Exam Checklist (Minstrel Style!)

image source: news.bbc.co.uk

Okay..so exams are slowly approaching and finally you have the jitters wondering what to do..or soon will! No fear! The Minstrel is here to help you with the top 10 things to keep in mind before going in to write that exam! Nah, nah don't thank me, it's my pleasure! ;) Yes, you can courier me those chocolates! no worries!

1. Two cups of espresso in the morning is essential. You don't want to doze off on your paper and drool all over the answer sheet! Seriously! That would smudge the ink and make the answers impossible to read! Wait...come to think of it, ain't such a bad idea eh? ;)

 image source: zedge.net

2. Check the pens, pencils and blah blah blah. You don't want to crawl on your knees and beg those around you to pass you that stuff!

3. ADMIT CARD! Dude, without that you're freakin' screwed! Even if you forget to take your pen, don't forget this! Freakin' hell would break loose! How else would you remember the 52 digit exam roll no assigned to you???? :P:P:P

4. If you have a window seat or one near the door, carry horse blinders! Even if you look ridiculous, at least you won't be distracted! Coz the best and most hilarious things cross your vision exactly when you have no time to see them!

image source: stratesql.com

5. If you did not sleep well last night, instruct the person sitting behind you to give you a nice kick in your bum or throw an eraser at you (whatever works!) in case you fall asleep over the paper!

6. Carry your watch no matter what! Don't have a watch, take an alarm clock! At least you'll know when to begin scribbling frantically madly! That is when your memory is at its peak and you remember all that you didn't before that. At least you'll be prepared! ( usually 5 minutes before time's up!)

7. Carry water with you. When you don't remember the answers or get confused take a swig. No, it won't help you remember, but at least it'll keep you looking busy unlike that idiot staring at the ceiling looking like he is trying real hard to hold in his pee! :P

 image source: http://www.corbisimages.com

8. That hot classmate will not vanish into thin air after the exam is over! Stop staring! Horse blinders will help you here as well! :P

9. Do not listen to crappy songs on the radio in the morning before the exam if you don't want to haunted by Munni badnaam hui as you try to remember what Ophelia's brother's damn name was! :P

10. Last but no the least, STUDY! It really works! ;)

All the best! :D :)

P.S: To those who forget the rule no.10 like me, creativity always works! Make up what you don't know! :P:P:P:P 

The other one..

So as I had mentioned earlier (go to the previous post and see duh! :P) I had written two entries for this contest called "And then.." on Ruchi's blog. Here's the link to the first half of the story:

The Scene

Now this is the other ending that i wrote! This one did not win but I love it all the same! :)

Hate to love you

That face that had haunted her all these years…an image from an old worn-out photograph that she had carried around in her heart. All these years, she had been waiting for yet dreading this day. She still didn’t know if she’d ever muster up the courage to say those words to him. Her eyes welled up with tears without any explanation. Dabbing her eyes with a tissue she quickly regained her composure and risked a glance again on pretext of looking for the air-hostess.

Those dark eyes, that square jaw and the kind smile were still the same. Yes, a few wrinkles here and there but there was no mistake-it was him. She had imagined this scene in her teenage years, rehearsed what she would say and what would happen. She had spent hours in front of the mirror in nervous excitement practicing and rephrasing what she would say when she met him. She’d hated every part of her that wanted to love him but couldn’t help it. The Kathak recitals, the piano lessons, the basketball matches-all came back to her.

 

Her monologue froze midway when he suddenly looked up at her. She felt like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar and smiled at him blushing furiously and he gave her a confused smile back.  Was it her imagination or was there a fleeting hint of recognition on his face? But he went back to his Autocar and she leaned back and took a large swig of water and took a deep breath. It was now or never.

 

She turned again. “Pardon me if I’m wrong but are you Mr. Bryan D’Souza?”

 

He looked up blinking and removed his headphones and said, “I’m sorry I did not hear you. Could you repeat the question?”

 

“Mr. Bryan D’Souza?”

 

“I think you mistook me for someone else. I’m Shrey.”

 

“Sorry! I’m Liz. You looked a lot like an uncle of mine! I’m really sorry!”

 

“That’s okay. So I look that old eh?” he grinned, “It’s always nice to meet a fellow Indian here. You live in Sydney too?”

 

“No, I’m on vacation. I moved to Hong Kong two years back, before that I was in Delhi."

 

“Hmmmmm…How I miss that city! The clean air and the fresh food stifle me in Sydney! I last went to Delhi five years back. A week there was like oxygen! I missed the chaat, the yum kababs and the DTC buses!” he remarked smiling.

 

And they talked – about the weather, Sydney, India, Indian food, cars, traffic in Delhi, her job, her crummy boss (he used to have one too!), music, movies…it went on and on! They got on like a house on fire! He loved Audi too and shared her opinion that Federer was a pain in the ass for winning all the time! It was like they had been destined to meet. As the flight prepared to land there was a knot in her stomach. The words remained unsaid. She had said everything but what she had actually wanted to. 

 

Sydney arrived and as he waved and walked out of the airport, she stood there looking at him. The words came out in a whisper, “Hi dad.”

They came too late. Genetic maybe.

I won a prize!!!!! ;):):):)

I got the second runners up prize for a contest!!Yaiyee!!! Yes! Thank you thank you! So I wrote two alternate endings to this particular story. This was the "And Then..." contest was on Ruchi's blog. Here's the link to the first half of the story:

The Scene

So this is my prize-winning masterpiece entry:

 image source: http://www.bayareaonthecheap.com

 A Second Shot

The memories were like snapshot bullets that she had been dodging for years and had finally hit her, square in the face- that face of the man who had once meant everything to her. It was overwhelming! She sat there motionless for what seemed like eternity.  The flight was in the air. She went to the washroom and barfed.

Looking into the mirror she saw how far she had come from those days. Then she had been a smiling girl in her early twenties with the glow on her face typical of those in love. The glow was gone and so was the love. The hair was shorter, sassier. The clothes were no longer t-shirts, jeans and sneakers but smart suits and stilettos. The woman was no longer the girl he had known. The only thing that connected the woman and the girl was the pain that he had left behind- the hurt that had become a part of her life and had never left.

This was probably her only chance. She walked back with a calm face; she wasn’t going to let him go this time. A deliberate trip on the Jimmy Choo and she was on him. He stared at her like he was seeing a ghost and then his expression changed. Straightening up her ruffled clothes, she looked at him and acted like she was surprised. “Matt,” was the only word she said. He looked quite taken aback himself. “Lizzie… Wow! It’s been so long. You look…look so different,” he said.

“Yes Matt. It’s been a while. You look almost the same. Nice meeting you after so long.” He did look the same. The neatly ironed shirt and trousers, the cropped spiked hair and the goofy grin were all at odds with each other but blended so perfectly on him. She wasn’t surprised that she had fallen for him. He ran his eyes appreciatively over her and she blushed. She returned to her seat but they kept talking. He was a senior editor now. They talked about old times, their college friends, work… The more they talked the closer they came; she could see that old look in his eyes. He wanted her back.

The flight landed. He invited her over. It was a cozy apartment. As she was about to go to the guest room to crash he pulled her towards him and looked into her eyes. She was uncertain; did she really want to do this? All her courage almost melted. “I missed you so much. I’m glad you’re back,” he said and leaned in for a kiss. She kissed back and soon they were in a passionate embrace. She broke the kiss and said they’d better sleep. He looked at her dazed with desire and confused. She kissed him on the cheek and went to the guest room and locked the door.

He woke up in the morning and found her gone. There was a note on her bed that read:

“I’m sorry. Goodbye.”

It was his handwriting, the note he had left for her on their bed when he went away.

In a coffee house, Liz sipped on her cup of Cappuccino and smiled. The last laugh was finally hers. And the hurt was gone. She was free.

 image source: http://yuvakuran.blogspot.com/2005/08/cappuccino.html

  

 (P.s.-I'll post my other entry in a separate post so that my post does not stretch endlessly and make your yawn stretch as endlessly!:P :P)

Here's the link to my victory bhaashan if you're interested! ;)
http://ruchiballal.wordpress.com/2010/10/06/and-then-the-winner-is/

(Pss...guys!Thanks for all the congrats and pats on my back... appreciated! :) But please do leave your comments on the story as well..what you like, what you don't whatever! My story is complaining of being shoved out of the limelight by my victory laugh! Waiting for your feedback!!)

Lungi Lore..

 Image source: http://bollywood-hotshots.blogspot.com

Still from' Dance Pe Chance'

This is a forward I got in my email and I found it so funny that I had to share it!!! I don't know who wrote it so I cannot acknowledge the genius! But whoever it is, he is AWESOME!!!!!

 Lungi-yites- in praise of the humble lungi

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The Legendary Lungi
 
 Just as the national bird of Kerala is Mosquito, her national dress is  'Lungi'. Pronounced as 'Lu' as in loo and 'ngi ' as in 'mongey', a  lungi can be identified by its floral or window-curtain pattern.  'Mundu' is the white variation of lungi and is worn on special  occasions like hartal or bandh days, weddings and Onam.
 
 Lungi is simple and 'down to earth' like the mallu wearing it. Lungi  is the beginning and the end of evolution in its category. Wearing  something on the top half of your body is optional when you are  wearing a lungi. Lungi is a strategic dress. It's like a  one-size-fits-all bottoms for Keralites.
 
 The technique of wearing a lungi/mundu is passed on from generation to  generation through word of mouth like the British Constitution. If you  think it is an easy task wearing it, just try it once! It requires  techniques like breath control and yoga that is a notch higher than  sudarshan kriya of AOL. A lungi/mundu when perfectly worn won't come  off even in a quake of 8 on the richter scale. A lungi is not attached  to the waist using duct tape, staple, rope or velcro. It's a bit of  mallu magic whose formula is a closely guarded secret like the Coca  Cola chemicals.
 
 A lungi can be worn 'Full Mast' or 'Half Mast' like a national flag. A  'Full Mast' lungi is when you are showing respect to an elderly or the  dead. Wearing it at full mast has lots of disadvantages. A major  disadvantage is when a dog runs after you. When you are wearing a  lungi/mundu at full mast, the advantage is mainly for the female  onlookers who are spared the ordeal of swooning at the sight of hairy
 legs.
 
 Wearing a lungi 'Half Mast' is when you wear it exposing yourself like  those C grade movie starlets. A mallu can play cricket, football or  simbly run when the lungi is worn at half mast. A mallu can even climb  a coconut tree wearing lungi in half mast. "It's not good manners,  especially for ladies from decent families, to look up at a mallu  climbing a coconut tree"- Confucius (or is it Abdul Kalam?)
 
 Most mallus do the traditional dance kudiyattam. Kudi means drinking  alcohol and yattam, spelled as aattam, means random movement of the  male body. Note that 'y' is silent. When you are drinking, you drink,  there is no 'y'. Any alcohol related "festival" can be enjoyed to the  maximum when you are topless with lungi and a towel tied around the  head. "Half mast lungi makes it easy to dance and shake legs" says  Candelaria Amaranto, a Salsa teacher from Spain after watching  'kudiyaattam' .
 
 The 'Lungi Wearing Mallu Union' [LUWMU, pronounced LOVE MU], an NGO  which works towards the 'upliftment' of the lungi, strongly disapprove  of the GenNext tendency of wearing Bermudas under the lungi. Bermudas  under the lungi is a conspiracy by the CIA. It's a disgrace to see a  person wearing burmuda with corporate logos under his lungi. What they  don't know is how much these corporates are limiting their freedom of  movement and expression.
 
  A mallu wears lungi round the year, all weather, all season. A mallu  celebrates winter by wearing a colourful lungi with a floral pattern.   Lungi provides good ventilation and brings down the heat between legs.  A mallu is scared of global warming more than anyone else in the  world.
 
  A lungi/mundu can be worn any time of the day/night. It doubles as  blanket at night. It also doubles up as a swing, swimwear, sleeping  bag, parachute, facemask while entering/exiting toddy shops, shopping  basket and water filter while fishing in ponds and rivers. It also has  recreational uses like in 'Lungi/mundu pulling', a pastime in  households having more than one male member. Lungi pulling   competitions are held outside toddyshops all over Kerala during Onam  and Vishu. When these lungis are decommissioned from service, they  become table cloths. Thus the humble lungi is a cradle to grave  appendage.
  

 

image source: http://www.thekkottil.com

P.S.- It is rocket science how to tie a lungi. A cousin with no prior experience of lungi tying tried it once and even with a belt securing the lungi, it was an aiyooo moment in front of hundreds! Be warned! ;)

 

An Appeal..

Okay here's another shift in gear... With all due respect to all religions, sects and cults, I humbly request all citizens of Delhi, visitors and whoever gets within a 100 m radius of the Yamuna to kindly keep all their religious sentiments aside and avoid throwing stuff into the Yamuna. It's with great difficulty that it has stopped smelling like a 'ganda naala'! Let's not go back there..

Now back to Minstrel style. Dude! No offence but where is the sense in throwing stuff into the river. I respect all religious sentiments but this part makes no sense! Nothing is an excuse for polluting resources! Even if it is flower offerings, hullo, you throw it in with the newspaper, plastic cover and what not? It's crazy..

The Nawab wanted to click the Yamuna in its glory so we went from the Ashram- Noida highway thing and as we stopped at the middle of the bridge and as the Nawab took aim this couple in their 50's driving a white Maruti 800 threw flowers wrapped in newspapers and something else into the water. It was astonishing how belief can kill common sense! I glared at the Uncleji and gave him the Lily style- YOU'RE DEAD TO ME look! Auntyji got her share of it too. The guard appointed at the bridge then came to us and told us that stopping at the bridge was not allowed and clicking pics especially wasn't. The couple had left by then, but there was this other smart mahashay (Mister in translation) who dumped some other stuff into the river a few metres away from us at the exact time when the guard was talking to us. I gave him a piece of my mind. Firstly, the signboard that read "Stopping not allowed" was nowhere in sight. (It was actually placed at the end of the bridge..Smart thinking that! :P) And I told him that. He stood there doing nothing when people came and dumped stuff but he had a problem with us stopping to click pics. The sign that was closer and more in number was the board that requested people not to dump things into the river but that went unheeded.

Even if the guy was doing his job, I wouldn't have minded had he also told those people off who had been dumping in things. That would have made some sense. Now you have a problem with people clicking pictures of the Yamuna but garbage dumpers are more than welcome! That's way ahead of foolishness! That's pure BS! If that's how it goes, a clean pure Yamuna shall remain a distant dream!

Back to the humble appeal- Please do not let thy belief cloud thine common sense and lead you to commit bullshit acts. Kindly reserve thine flowers for the deities not the river and thy garbage for thy dustbin. Thy refraining from throwing things into the river would be more of a worship for the river and help in keeping her pure and sacred. My apologies for those who felt I insulted their common sense because well, one cannot insult what does not exist. To those who share my opinion, if you see someone spreading garbage in our lovely city, stop them. Every act of restraint will go a long way in bringing the beauty back to this holy river.

P.S.- You have all the right to debate with me, disagree with me, or let me know I'm off my knockers in the comments section but I reserve the right to say what I please! My blog! :P Enough said! 

Washed Away...

The Yamuna is overflowing. And with have been washed away the foundations of many lives. The water has most of the surroundings all submerged... it's a really sad situation..There were families there whose lives have been washed away by those waters, all their life savings perhaps destroyed. They live in tents now along the Delhi-Noida Highway. At a time when the Delhi government is pouring crores towards the CWG 2010, investing lakhs in volunteer uniforms and putting 5 crores into the Games Anthem, I wish some few lakhs were diverted towards those whose lives have been displaced due to the Yamuna overflowing. In this stormy unpredictable weather, atleast some concrete rehabilitation, albeit temporary could be provided. How far can the canvas tents protect them? What about basic facilities like electricity, toilets and all? 

The children play on the roadside; the highway is a dangerous playground . Who will account for any lives lost? I don't know to what extent the Government has aided in this case but I don't think it is enough. It forms a sad image when juxtaposed with the Games Village which is a stone's throw away. So much frenzy and excitement in preparing for some visitors while our own citizens languish in need of basic amenities... A sorry state of affairs indeed.